It Will Be Romantic
by Leytivia
Summary: Olivia and Peter stumble upon a flying camel, they take it home and raise it as their child, until they have their own child... maybe. The trials of chili fries and a shirtless Peter ensue. PARODY in every way it can be... seriously.
1. Camel Sick

_A/N: My only warning to you is this: Do not read this, unless you have sense of humor. Like, a really open minded sense of humor._

_This is the byproduct of writing at 3 am. Most of the ideas aren't even mine._

_Enjoy!  
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><p>"Olivia, meet me in the park in 10!" Peter said on the phone, ever so desperately."Okay, why?" Olivia asked him.<p>

"There's a camel here, Livia. Come quick! You don't want to miss it, I know you love camels!"

"Camels are my favorite animals, Peter! Why did you not call me sooner?" Olivia questioned furiously."I forgot your love of camels was so deep, my love bucket." He apologized.

"It's okay, just don't let it happen again, sweetie buns."

Olivia arrived at the park only minutes later. She drove really fast that way."Peter, look at their humps!" She shouted, winking.

Peter was smug, "What are you implying, love bucket?"

"I want to have sex with you in the middle of the night, in the dark, with Walter watching."

Peter was too enchanted with the camel to fully grasp what she had just said, "Excuse me?" He was exasperated."I mean, I love you. Sweaty buns.""Sweaty buns?" Peter inquired."Oh sorry, that's your bedroom nickname." She confessed.

Peter thought of something else to say, but was distracted. "Look at those camel toes!""Look at my camel toe!" Olivia yelled then, "… I should stop wearing such tight pants."

"I love camel toes!" He told her, he was horny.

All hot and bothered, Olivia shifted uncomfortable in her seat, even though she was standing."Oh, Peter, can we take the camel home? He can watch us have sex. But I don't think my landlord will approve of this two ton desert animal in my 1100 square foot Boston apartment, so let's keep him at your place."

"Okay!" Peter was compliant. "We can build a stable for it in my yard. It will be romantic."

"What should we name it?" Olivia inquired, excitedly.

"Well, is a boy or a girl?" Peter asked her then."I don't know," Olivia shrugged."Well then, check." He told her."I don't know how to differentiate the gender of camels!" Olivia screamed at him, as if he were an idiot."Yeah well, I couldn't tell your alternate apart from you and ended up impregnating her. So, this should be your job. Just see if it has a penis."

"Fine." Olivia huffed, walking over to the camel, "I can't tell!" She sighed, "Let's just name it Rebecca Black, then." He said."Okay, Rebecca, the genderless camel. Let's go home." Olivia told the camel, even though it didn't speak English. Mandarin, maybe. Peter spoke mandarin, maybe he could speak to Rebecca. "Wait!" Olivia said, then, "This camel won't fit in my Ford Edge with fuel injection, a build in speaker phone and GPS, _and _a thermometer!""We'll just have to ride him… it, home, then." He assured her, "We cam ride in his humps." Peter winked, Olivia liked what he was implying.

So they rode home on Rebecca's humps, the movement making Olivia feel such a way in her lower region. Like a fire starting in her heart, wait no, that was an Adele song. To be blunt, there was a fire starting in her vagina that only Peter's fire hose could put out. And instead of Rolling in the deep, she wanted to be rolling in bed sheets, or in the hay of Rebecca's stable, or on tope of Walter. It wouldn't be the first then all Olivia craved in that moment was Peter's sweet ass, then reason he had gotten his pet name in the first she craved some chili fries too. Damn she loved her some chili fries."Peter, an we stop at Wendy's?" Olivia asked from the back.

"Sure," He obliged, "Do you think we can take the camel through the drive-thru?"Olivia shrugged, "Let's find out."She then suddenly had visions of Peter in a gold thong… that arrived at Wendy's, and surprisingly enough, they allowed camels through the drive-thru. Or so they thought, turns out someone called animal control. They ran off with their chili, fries, and meatloaf - which peter was shocked that they sold at Wendy's in the first place - and a frosty for Rebecca.

"Ya, ya!" Peter said in a gesture to get her to move faster (Rebecca, not Olivia) and they road down the streets of Boston, safely making it back to Peter's home. Olivia used her telekinesis to knock down a tree and defer animal control.

They then ate their fast food in peace, happily.

"We should probably get to building that stable soon," Peter suggested, "I don't know how long we can keep Rebecca in my living room and I really don't want to be picking camel droppings off of the carpet." He was dead serious. Olivia was almost shaken by his seriousness.

"We can just make Walter do it," She told him dryly, "But we can't just leave her… it-out in the open. The neightbors might get concerned," She was smug, "But I guess you're right. We should get to building… Let's go to Ikea."

"I don't think they sell what we need there, 'Livia.""Really," Olivia was taken aback, "I thought they had a camel section?"

Peter shook his head no.

"Well they should add one," She demanded, "I'm calling the union."

"Don't call the union!" Peter protested, "Ikea may not have a camel section but, Menards does!"

"That's all the way in Chicago!" She informed him.

"I know. We can take Rebecca, I think she can fly."

Olivia entertained the thought for a moment, a flying camel? What could be weirder than a flying camel? Not even Peter's being from another universe was weirder than a flying camel, wait…yes it was. "Okay, let's go, it will be romantic!" Olivia obliged.

Another thought she had was, why didn't Rebecca just fly away from animal control?

Oh well.

Rebecca was not the most steady flyer. Olivia felt those chili fries lurching in her stomach. Or maybe it was just because she was still horny for some Peter…that was probably it.

"Can a help you?" A tall bald man with a purple beard asked them, how did he get hired here?

"Yes, we are looking for some lumber," Peter informed the colorfully bearded man.

"Lumber for what?" The guy asked.

"I'm building a stable for my uh, camel. She…it's parked right outside."

Suddenly, Olivia vomited right onto the man…Peter laughed. It was just nausea after all. The purple bearded man ran off, shrieking in a girlish scream that was uncomfortably too high pitched to be natural. "I guess we're not getting our lumber, then." Olivia stated.

"It's okay," Peter comforted, "I'll figure something out, used to be a conman, after all."

"Really? I didn't think conning Menards employees so you can get lumber to build a home for your pet camel back in Boston, was on your resume."

"You clearly don't know me well enough," Peter returned.

"I'm gonna go find some Rolaides," Olivia informed him.

He nodded, "I'm gonna go con some lumber off of these people, it will be romantic."

Needless to say, he got the wood. And after Olivia's nausea wore off, she realized that she was still hungry for some Peter buns.

"Doesn't your sister live in Chicago?" Peter asked her on the way back, "Do you think we should go visit her?"

Olivia shook her head furiously, "No, I never liked her that much, and the only reason she ever wanted to stay in Boston was because she had the hots for you. And tried to sleep with you before her divorce was even final, which made me extremely jealous, but then she moved back to Chicago with her husband and everything was all rainbows and sunshine again…plot holes."

"K." Peter replied.

She was about to shoot back some witty comment when the Rolaides fell out of her coat pocket, "I hope those don't kill anyone," She said then, they probably would though. Face it, antacids falling at that velocity could be an extreme hazard to society. It's a good thing they were on a camel or else the union may have gone after them. That darn union.

"So let's get to building, it will be romantic!" Peter said excitedly, when they arrived back.

They headed towards the yard, the heat outside was absolutely sweltering. Rebecca reveled in it. Olivia finally shed her wool coat that seemed to be attached to her; even when it was 109 degrees out. Or when she calls Peter to go to a street fair claiming that it was warm outside, but yet an hour later they could see their breath… go figure.

Regardless, Peter found this as a good opportunity to go shirtless. Bad idea on Olivia's part, though. _'Mmm, abs.' _She thought to herself. Suddenly, her sweating had nothing to do with the ridiculous weather.

"You okay?" Peter questioned when he noticed her flustered look.

"I'm fine." She replied. Suddenly remembering that she was telekinetic, and her abilities were significantly heightened when she was libidinous. The rest of the barn was assembled with her mind.

Peter was furious then, "I just spent the last two hours putting this thing together; sweating my buns off while you just stood there, griping at my defined muscles, and then you do that! Christ, Livia!" He looked like he was about to cry with fury.

"I'm sorry…I'm sorry," Olivia was very apologetic, "Don't cry." She begged.

Peter wiped away his own tears, Olivia wouldn't even do it for him. What kind of lover was she?

"Want to get some dinner?" She asked him, then.

Peter was confused, "We just ate, and then you threw up on the Menards employee… are you pregnant?"

"Probably." She shrugged, Peter scowled, "We can go to Steak N' Shake," She sing songed, "It will be romantic…just as long as we drive so I don't get camel sick again."

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><p><em>AN: So the question is, is Olivia pregnant? Will she ever get her some Peter? And are they really going to Steak N' Shake? Who knows? Stay tuned to find out._


	2. Paula Deen

Suddenly the thoughts of Peter in a gold thong entered her mind once more. And this time they didn't fade.

They arrived at Steak N' Shake, it has one of those claw machines. And it was filled with Pillow Pets! It even had a camel pillow pet, but do they actually make those? It was probably a knockoff.

"We should get one of those for Rebecca," Peter encouraged, "Do you have any quarters? It will be romantic."

"Fuck that, I'll just use my mind again," Olivia told him, doing just that and successfully getting a pillow pet. No one seemed to notice. Olivia was starting to get a headache from all of this telekinesis. She then remembered that sex was the best cure for a headache. She was really desperate for some Peter. She considered taking him right there in the restaurant, but that would be weird, right? That kind of thing wasn't okay here.

"Olivia what are you thinking about?"

"Oh, just Rebecca. I wonder what she would look like if she were purple, like that guys beard."

"You know, I was wondering the same thing." Peter told her. But he was really thinking about a program he watched on Animal Planet the other night, while Olivia was asleep romantically in his arms. The program was about caribou. He loved him some caribou almost as much as Olivia loved her some camels. Peter really loved him some Animal Planet over all, but Olivia thought he was just a freak. Then she remembered Peter was from another universe…never mind.

Point being; he would have much preferred to find a caribou in the park-instead of a camel. But he let it go because, Rebecca was really beginning to grow on him. Peter was starting to see her as a daughter, even though he had only known her a few hours. He then wondered if he'd ever have a real daughter, probably not. He already had a son that lived in another universe with an alternate version of his girlfriend, what more could a guy ask for? Maybe a new toilet brush, he seemed to go through those things pretty quickly. He didn't know why though, because he had a really healthy colon.

Peter snapped from his thought process, "We should paint Rebecca purple, it will be romantic."

They skipped off happily, who needs Steak N' Shake? They couldn't wait for their next romantic excursion to the paint store."

"This place is cooler than Neopets!" Peter shouted, Olivia just eyed him in shock, "I just really love paint, okay? Don't judge me, Olivia."

"Oh, I'm not." She told him, arms crossed. But she really was, it was unsettling how much the man loved paint, and Animal Planet.

But after a few minutes, Peter grew incredibly frustrated, "I don't like any of the paint here!" He huffed.

"You just said this place was cooler than Neopets!" Olivia reminded him, throwing her hands up, "And I know how much you love that children's website, you spend all day on there playing Meerca Chase, earning points so you can get your baby paint brush! And, oh! I know you sneak onto the role-play boards and pretend you're a 17 year old girl! I know things, Peter…I know things. It's flooding our relationship. You have a problem! And don't get me started on the amount of time you spend watching Animal Planet!"

"I know," He relinquished, "But, damn it! You confess all of this now, in the paint store?"

She shrugged, "Well, if there's nothing here you like then we'll have to go back to Chicago, that's where the next closest Sherwin Williams is. It will be romantic."

That was a good idea. They opted to take Rebecca again because she was the faster choice of transportation. Olivia agreed to just deal with her motion sickness, she would get some toast when they got there. That would be romantic too.

It was 97 degrees when they arrived, "Wasn't it 50 degrees when we were here a few hours ago?" Olivia asked then.

Peter didn't answer, he was too intently focused on getting to the paint store.

They found the store rather quickly, buying the most vibrant shade of purple paint. It was snowing then they got out, it was romantic.

Rebecca mumbled something to Peter later on, telling him she wanted 36 half pickles from the Windy City Subs drive-thru. No, not 18 pickles, 36 half pickles. There was a reason for this. The reason had something to do with Rebecca's troubled past. In her younger days as a flying camel. See, she couldn't always fly, it was a gift that she woke up with one day. And all of the young camels teased her, but they were really just jealous. The only thing that brought her comfort was when her mother would bring her half pickles…but then her mother died from causes that were never elaborated. Wait, no; that was Olivia's mother. Rebecca's mother was eaten by a wildebeest.

And it was clear from that point on that Rebecca was in fact, a girl.

They decided to go see Winnie The Pooh, in Chicago, with Rebecca. Who managed to sneak in her 36 half pickles. They smelled.

The movie was very moving, Peter was confused because he had never seen Winnie the Pooh as a child, it didn't exist in the other universe…that he was from.

Outside the theater, there was a flyer for a U2 concert. "Oh, Livia, I think we should go! It will be romantic!" Peter said, bouncing from foot to foot like a little girl, "I know you love U2 and secretly think Bono is sexier than me."

"You got the wrong Olivia, jerk." she told him, "I hate U2, and I think Bono slightly resembles a cactus. Oh, and all of the CDs she bought with my credit card, I sold on Ebay and used the money to buy Magic School Bus season 4 on DVD. Yeah, that's right, Peter. You have your quirks and I have mine." Her tone was now alarming him.

"Okay." Peter replied, "But can we go any way? Maybe Rebecca wants to go."

"Well, then ask her." Olivia pressed.

He asked her. Rebecca wasn't really up for going either. She was, however, in the mood for some Hannah Montana, and what do ya know? She was in town that night too!

The concert was exciting! Though, Rebecca cried when Peter had to break it to her that Hannah Montana was Miley Cyrus, she hadn't figured it out yet.

Also, no one had seen a flying camel before! No less, a Mandarin speaking flying camel. She was asked on stage to sing a song. She sang Friday, in Mandarin. The crowd went wild.

It was so romantic that, Peter proposed to Olivia, right there. Surrounded by a flying camel singing Friday in Mandarin, and 8338740 screaming girls. She said yes, it was romantic.

"To celebrate their engagement, they decided on a nice picnic on the beach, seeing as the weather had warmed again, and all of the snow had melted within the duration of a few hours.

"Olivia, now that we're engaged, I have one last thing to confess to you." He sounded dead serious, a million and one thoughts swirled in Olivia's mind. What could be worse than a secret love for Neopets and Animal Planet…and paint! Peter continued, "A few months ago…I had an affair with, with…" It hurt him so much to continue, Olivia felt as if her heart had stopped beating in her chest, how could he do this to her?

"With…who?" She asked him.

He sighed, first asking Rebecca to give them some privacy which she did. "With…Paula Deen." Peter confessed.

Olivia was in utter shock, Paula Deen was not Peter's type! Was she? "When, she inquired, then, "And why?"

"I'm sorry," Peter apologized hastily, "While your possessed by Bell, I'm sorry but we had spent two weeks doing nothing but each other. Then we suddenly stopped and I needed me some woman!"

"But, Paula Deen, Peter? Paula Deen! I understand I was possessed by Spock…I mean William Bell, and I don't know if he is into that kind of thing. But, Paula Deen? Why didn't you just go back to my alternate?"

"Because she had just given birth to my child and probably wasn't in the condition for that." He informed.

"Right," Olivia replied.

"But it's okay because, she cheated on my with butter." Peter confessed.

Olivia sighed and forgave him then, even if he totally deserved to be cheated on with a condiment.


End file.
